Cedia Expo 2009

Cedia Expo 2009

Cedia Expo 2009

Bath-O-Matic by Unique Automation

Food for thought.

It has just come to my attention that a friend (that I was at school with) has died.

http://www.wilfrid.com/people/andrew_parr.htm

Aged 42 (the same as me).  I had not seen him in years, but we had communicated via email a while ago.

He is the third person I went to school with that has died prematurely.

Every day is precious as you never know when it is your last.

Makes you think.

This is rapidly becoming a very connected world.  Make the most of it and contact that person you were friends with at school.  Don’t put it off.  Try and be nice to each other.

I am a GEEK!!!

Hundreds Attend Global Warming Protest

The Virgin Saga Continues

Well.  No sign of an engineer over the weekend, surprise surprise, so Monday I came home from work early (costing me 3 hours of billable work) and waited, and waited, and waited.  By 6pm I had not heard from the engineer so I called NTL, whoops sorry I mean Virgin, and after a 30 minute wait I get told that he will be here in 10 mins.

7pm comes and goes so I call again.  This time I am on the phone for 50 minutes and Sarah tells me that he has been delayed but he will definitely  be coming tonight and he will call me to confirm.

8pm no sign so I tried to call.  Guess what.  They have closed for the night!

8am and I am on the phone to NTL.  I am informed that errr..  a, They have no idea why the engineer did not come and B, My phone number is not in the call text and the engineers cannot see the customer record, so how was he to call me?

You would think that after screwing up so badly they would try to make amends, but no.  The best they can offer me is that an engineer will be round from 8am until 12pm.  Hmmm…  I said OK it will have to do.  Five mins later I get a call telling me “Make that 12pm until 7pm”!  Just like yesterday!

I expressed my dissatisfaction and was basically told (by NTL) yes this is rubbish, but we can’t get the staff!

3pm and an engineer arrives and swaps the box in 5 mins.  For reasons best known to himself he moved all the plugs around behind the TV, thereby messing up the energy saver that was installed.  I have just spent 30 mins putting it all back!

So I have spent about 8 hours of my life chasing and waiting for NTL to pull their collective fingers out, for a job that took 5 mins!!!  We have been without cable for 5 days.  Good thing that my internet access comes from else ware.

To add insult to injury I now have to call them, to get compensation.

As before Some advice for NTL.

a, Stop lying to your customers, It starts from a small lie i.e. You can choose your music on hold from a choice of 5 music types.  Problem is that all 5 choices just repeat the SAME 4 tracks!  Since when has “American Pie” been Blues?  and graduates to a big lie i.e. we care about our clients!

b, If an engineer is supposed to call the client GIVE HIM THE PHONE NUMBER!

c, Give your Indian staff post code lists and maps.

d, Man (Woman) the service desks after 8pm!  and at weekends!

e, Give your staff E-Mail!

I am sure I can think of more, but frankly this is getting as boring for me as it is for you.  Is it too much to ask for a little customer service?

Why is it that every time I have to deal with this shoddy company I have to deal with this rubbish?  Get your act together NTL.  You will not be the only game in town forever!

NTL (AKA Virgin) Drop the ball again

There we are, kids in bed, ready for a Friday night of chilling in front of the goggle box....

Ping!!!!

The box packs up. Oh C%^ now I have to talk to Customer Services. Before doing so I did all the usual stuff, reboot the box, attempt to reset the box....

Ok here we go. Call them and navigate the silly auto attendant. Get to support queue and wait....and wait.... and wait... and... get cut off!

Start again. Call them and navigate the silly auto attendant. Get to support queue and wait....and wait.... and wait...

Finally Cherry Jain answers (is that a real name?? Not convinced). Ahh.. Guess what?? She can't find my details Surprise Surprise!

She wanted to transfer me to Customer Services, but I said that I did not want to spend another 20 mins waiting in a queue. Solution? she spends 10 mins in the queue and calls me back. Hmmm... She still can't find me.... We spell out all the details again (letter by letter) and e find that she was looking for FE12 not SE12. Why can't they give them post code lists? Or a map of England may help.

She makes me repeat the same tedious tests before deciding the box is broken! Well Doh!

At least we have made some progress. So when can I have an engineer? MONDAY EVENING!!! between 4 and 7PM! Are you having a laugh? Nope. She is serious. This is clearly not acceptable. I put some pressure on her and she calls the engineering department. Guess what??? They are going home! What about tomorrow or Sunday? Nope, no chance. Can I speak to Customer Services now? Nope. They have gone home too! Complaints Department? Nope... They've gone home.

What kind of Mickey Mouse company is this?

I though that when NTL became Virgin Media things would change. NTL were renown for being rubbish, but I have always thought of Virgin as a company with some customer relations nous that cared about their clients. Apparently not!

A little bit of advice for Virgin.

Most of your clients (especially the TV/Internet users) will be watching TV in the evening at at weekends. Try having some staff on!

Bloody good thing that by broadband is from Demon, so it works, or I would be even more upset! Also a dammed good thing that I do not use the Virgin phone or I could not have called them!

Commentary

NTL had the worst customer service I have ever experienced. I have had run ins with them in the past but, ever the optimist, I was hoping things had improved (and I really do not have a lot of choice. Nothing has changed, well that is not true. They have out sourced the support. Bloody typical. What's my choice? Well I guess we could move to Sky? That is a definite option. We will see.

Do Virgin Media Care about their clients? I think not!

Bailout Mascot Debuts

Someone is ALWAYS watching.....................

DVDs, damned DVDs, and region restrictions.

Just seen this:

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that the gift Obama gave to Gordon Brown when he visited the White House last month - 25 classic American movies - was spoiled by a technical glitch.

When the Prime Minister went to watch one of the movies the other night, he found the films only worked in DVD players made in North America and the words "wrong region" came up on his screen. A Downing Street spokesman said he was "confident" that any gift Obama gave Brown would have been "well thought through": well, perhaps not *that* well thought through.

------------------------
Now, can we please get rid of that nonsense?

Dream on.

Putt's Law

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."

George Carlin

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

What’s it all about Charlie Brown?

Hmmm…  Over the past weeks (and months) I have been deluged by a stream of firms that want me to resell or recommend their products.  Now I realise that it is nothing personal and that they are just mailing the world, but I find it rather interesting.

Products and services that, up until now, would have cost money, are being “given” away.  I say “given” as typically you get a reduced level of service, but still, I have been able to get some web sites hosted for nothing (thank you 5quid host).  This was good for me as it let me test their service and was good for them as I soon ran out of space and have started to pay for more, but I could have used the 40Mb they originally gave me forever and a day for free.

I get this mode of selling, with disk space relatively cheap the only cost to them is bandwidth, and I assume they bulk buy that so the trial uses are a drop in the ocean.

What I cannot see is how firms such as Twitter are going to monetise what they do.  You can get free, open source microblogging platforms that can be installed on you own server, that will give the same functionality.  The only thing that Twitter has is the head of steam it has built and the press it is getting.  But even with that “So What??”  Would I pay to be on twitter?  I don’t know.  It certainly has an impact on the traffic to my sites (not huge, but noticeable) but would I pay for it?  Would I tolerate someone else’s adverts on my tweets?  Probably not as they would likely be competing with whatever it was I was trying to say.

Certainly the podcasting/publishing industry has cottoned on (or at the very least is beginning to wake up) to the fact that giving away your stuff is a good way to success (ala Scott Sigler et al).  See, I like his stuff so much that I have plugged him and will probably buy the book that he is in the process of giving away.  But the big difference is that he has a “product” that he wants to sell.  I guess that the Twitter product is Twitter itself.  Are they just waiting for someone to buy them?  Or is there some other sinister plan? 

The only answer that I can see is that at some point they will start to inject advertising into the stream.  Much like Facebook has lots of info about you that allows them to channel ads, Twitter can see who you are following and hence what you like.  The stars such as Stephen Fry, Robert Llewellyn, and Adam Curry, ok may be not Adam :)  are attracting a large following, I’m sure that ads dropped into Brittany's stream must have a value.  Or will it have a negative effect?  Will people just jump to another platform that does not have ads?

Actually, I think the answer is slightly different.  I think that if they inject ads some people will move and some will stay.  As has been shown by other services, every dog has it’s day.  So though they may accelerate the demise I do not think that they will kill Twitter.  All that will happen is that something else will come along, as it would have done anyway, that offers other, better??  alternative functionality, and people will jump ship.

Ok, what has this got to do with the price of eggs?  Well it’s all just a comment on the state of the world.  To survive in the modern internet you need to have a level of faith in mankind, that you would not have in the real world.  You need to believe that, if you give your stuff away, people will pay for it anyway.  This is actually quite refreshing.

Maybe it will be a brighter future.

Syndication! Fame at last

I have just registered my blog with..



Not entirly sure what the benifit is, but we shall see....

Dispute Between Neighbours

Dispute Between Neighbours - this is a true story...

A city councilman in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.

The new neighbour had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his home.

Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...

Pollyanna communication and moaning

Bad telephone connection 
An Arkansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. 

Thought you'd like to know that. 

How to recognize a millionaire.

SandboxIE

I have been testing this great program for protecting you online. Sandboxie allows you to run your browsers (or for that matter any program) in a Sandbox. What this means is that any changes that are made to your system, by a malicious program or other can be contained and reversed very easily.

The following link takes you to their website...

Sandboxie Website

Give it a go...

Why you are so fat

Is it bad if that all looks really tasty to me?

Check out the Bacon Cheese Pizza Burger on page 3

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com

 

Rye Bread

Two old guys,  one 80 and one 87,  were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did  to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well,  I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So,  on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said  "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said,  "Yes,  there's a whole shelf of it.   Would you like some?"
He said,  "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness,  5 loaves ...  by the time you get to the 5th loaf,   it'll be hard."
He replied,  "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Creative Images

Creative Images 

Perfect Breakfast

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 

Keep reading-they get better!!!

---

    
WOMEN'S REVENGE 
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 
As she fumbled for her wallet, I notic ed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'  

---

    
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
I know I'm not going to understand women. 
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
and still be afraid of a spider.

---

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. 
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 
He answers that he is looking fo r a box of tampons for his wife. 
She directs him down the correct aisle. 
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to t he store 
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. 
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. 
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk cart on!)  

---

    
WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 
neither of them wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'  

---

    
WORDS 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 
30,000 to a man's 15,000. 
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

---

CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!  

---

WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who 
should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, 
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

---

    
The Silent Treatment 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he      had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, 
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.  

---

    
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece 

Scot Free! (JFK board game) (New from Parker Brothers)

No, not really...   It is a funny clip from "The Kentucky Fried Movie", but I thought it might give a chuckle to all those following conspiracy theory info....
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7e3RK_xSvc
 

Zombie Bank

http://www.markfiore.com/

Free stuff

Here is a few suggestions for useful places for people in business, all of which are free.

Search the insolvency register to make sure you're not giving credit to the wrong people:
http://www.insolvency.gov.uk/eiir/

Check a companies registered address and basic details:
http://www.companieshouse.gov.uk/
use the webcheck services.  You can pay and get extra reports and accounts and information about directors.

Check a company to see if they are registered with the FSA for regulated services:
http://www.fsa.gov.uk/register/firmSearchForm.do
this one will avoid you dealing with people who are trading illegally

Check the Data Controller contact details for any company registered for Data Protection and check to see whether a company is registered or not, though all companies who hold any computer records for non-domestic use should be registered, though most are not:
http://www.ico.gov.uk/ESDWebPages/search.asp

Check UK telephone numbers and find out which company operates them and therefore how much you might pay to call it.  Remember, when a person switches mobile providers and takes their number with them, the original company still owns the number and determines the charge to call them.  For example, if you move from O2 to Orange and keep your number, you will still be charged as if you were calling an O2 number.  Why does it matter?  You may have free Orange to Orange calls and think you are calling an Orange number, but in fact you may be calling an O2 number.  Good for anoraks like me too!
http://www.magsys.co.uk/telecom/codelook.asp

Not sure if this counts for business, but I'll let you decide, I find it useful:
http://www.houseprices.co.uk/

FSA still, but their news feeds is a good source of information:
http://www.fsa.gov.uk/Pages/Library/Communication/pr/index.shtml

HM Customs and Excise, register here to file your VAT online and you get an extra week to file after your normal paper deadline and if you pay by direct debit, then don't take the money until about 10 days after that.  Also means you can literally file at 23.59 on the last day and don't have to allow any time for postage.  It's secure too and you can't lose your VAT return in the post.
http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/index.htm
Select the VAT online link

Stop getting cold calls and sales calls by registering here:
http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/
They are paid by OFCOM to run this service and are official

Get a completely free fax to email number, either 0844 or 0870 (which are now free to call for BT customers with included minute plans):
http://www.flextel.co.uk/
Used these people since they began and they do a great job, best on the market and totally reliable.  I have about 100 numbers with them and no problems.  Sign up for a free number and convert it into a fax to email number straight away.  Loads of our customers now use them for 0844 fax numbers so they can have an incoming fax if people really need to send them a fax.

Online collaboration and info storage place for free:
http://www.stixy.com/

Free online backup system for up to 2gb (you do have to pay for more) but I use it and it works well.
http://www.mozy.com

Find out the details of who owns any .uk domain name at:
http://www.nic.uk/

Use these people to check any email account when you're out and you don't have webmail access, they sell services as well, but the check any account is very good, often use it:
http://www.mail2web.com/


Get a free temporary email address, useful for signing up for free downloads and free trials, without being bombarded by advertising after that.  Lasts for an hour, excellent service, use it all the time for those "free downloads" which need to email you a link to get the downloads:
http://www.incognitomail.com/

Place to get some good free fonts for your advertising and materials:
http://www.1001freefonts.com/

Excellent free to-do list that you can share with other people and also works with a free iPhone app too, so excellent for sharing lists on the move:
http://lists.zenbe.com/welcome

From Private Eye

Who is the odd one out of this lot?

Lord Stevenson, former chairman, HBOS
Andy Hornby, former chief executive, HBOS
Sir Fred Goodwin, former chief executive, RBS
Sir Tom McKillop, former chairman, RBS
John McFall MP, chairman of Treasury select committee
Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer
Sir Terry Wogan, presenter of Radio 2 breakfast show.

Answer: Sir Terry Wogan. He is the* only* one with a banking qualification.

Photo Synth

Go Here

Install the software

 

http://photosynth.net/install.aspx?cid=05dc1585-dc53-4f2c-bfb1-4da8d5915256

 

Take a look at the US Inauguration

 

Amazing whet you can do with Loads of pictures!

Quite Impressive

http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c

The world's strangest laws

The world's strangest laws

Flash Game - Fantastic Contraptions

Good Game...

 

http://www.fantasticcontraption.com/

 

If you have a Nintendo DS you can get a very similar game called
Mechanic Master:
http://www.play.com/Games/DS/4-/5600175/Mechanic-Master/Product.html

That's good fun.

And if you don't mind running the DosBox emulator you can still
download The Incredible Machine from Abandonia:
http://www.abandonia.com/en/games/25/Incredible+Machine,+The.html

and sequel:
http://www.abandonia.com/en/games/395/Incredible+Machine+2%2C+The.html

For free!

Bobby Thought...

Bobby had what he
thought was a great tattoo...


Until He Went To Prison.

Competition time

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France .

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO � MANCHESTER )

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. .. ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . ....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona .

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan .

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days..

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland ?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.


Free Jokes R Us

I'm what?!!!

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after the new, young doctor had told her she was pregnant, heading straight for the director's office.  After she told him what had happened, the doctor had her sit down and relax in another room and marched down the hallway where the woman's physician was and demanded, "What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six
grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The young physician continued to write his notes and, without looking up at his superior, asked, "Does she still have the hiccoughs?"

Here we go again...

MS Live Writer seems to be a really good tool for posting to the blog.  I have been using email, but this is much more Wisiwyg and also alws me to to some funky stuff like include the embedded player…  Below…

Lets see if the Mrs Likes it?

 

Why is it so hard to add attachments from here?

Guess I will have to do it manually…

ISE, In conclusion

So how was it?

Well we made it back in one piece, weather was grotty but never mind.

The show.

From our perspective the show was very good.  Lots of great interest in our iPhone apps and some interesting potential opportunities.  We will have to get our heads down and work hard over the next few months to make the most of them.

The fun and Games Continue

Day 2

The day has started with a potential Cypriot distributor here so I had better go and say hello….I shall return

So it is now Thursday, what happened to Wednesday? Well..

It was manically busy. Basically we had nonstop traffic from start to finish. Which is great. Lots of potential projects ranging from single home installations to full hotel complex’s.

The TV’s seem to wow everyone as they look great and there is nothing else out there like them. As always people are impressed by the Bath-O-Matic.

We had quite a few people interested in the interfaces and, since we interface to just about everything, they all went away happy.

The stand seems to be holding together well, with no major disasters (Touch wood). We had a bit of a leak, but managed to fix that (not bad considering the whole thing was brought here in the back of a van and constructed on site.

On a slightly different note I have been looking longingly at the Optoma Pico projector. It is a palm sized projector that would be a perfect companion to my N95 8G for travelling. Ho Humm… I dropped loads of hints to the guys on the stand, but they do not seem conducive to giving me one. Not surprised really as they do seem to be selling like hot cakes.

We have collected about 100 cards and contact details so now we have to convert them into business.

Onwards and upwards…

The End is Neigh

Day 3

Having survived 2 days we stagger in to the final day exhausted.  I have no Idea how teachers do it as talking for that amount of time just leaves my head buzzing.  Also you get stuck in “Demo” mode so you find yourself trying to extol the virtues of our products to everyone you see.  Seriously not cool.

It is now 10:47 and, thankfully, it seems to be very quiet today.

Did I mention that I had a surprise visit from a chap called Phil Beck and his son.  We went to school together and I have not seen him in 20 years+  Apparently he is now married and owns an AV Integration firm in Hayward’s Heath.  A pleasant blast from the past, and nice to see that old friends are in a similar business to myself (I thought I was the only nutter!).

I have twittered some images of the Optoma Pico and they can be found at http://twitpic.com/cosmap or http://twitpic.com/1c5sw

Guess I had better sign off for now and get on with the process of talking.  I will take some more walks later to see if anything else takes my fancy.

Update from the ISE

Day 1…

A good day with a steady flow of visitors to the stand. There seems to be a large Greek and Greek Cypriot contingent here. This is good as it allows me to practice my Greek and also could give me an excuse to go Cyprus for work. Just need them to sell a few Bath-O-Matics. J

Fredy had several meetings with potential distributors in various places. Guess we will not know how good that was for a few months.

Took a walk round the show and discovered 3 halls that I did not know existed! This place is HUGE.

Seen a great little projector. It’s called a Pico and it fits in to the palm of your hand. They had it hooked up to a Nokia N95. I want one! (oohh! Shiny).

After the show we went and had some drinks with New Invor our Belgium distributor. They seem keen do shift some product.

The evening started as trip so get some diner, so I decided to dress in my trampalike costume to keep warm. As we wondered around Amsterdam we stumbled across the Extron party and managed to get in (as loyal Extron clients).

Very nice. Lots of free booze, some music and even some video games to play. A good time was had by all.

Let’s hope that tomorrow some one comes to order 100 units and make our week. I should really go round the show and do lot’s of product reviews, but I am here to demo the Bath-O-Matic so it really does not give much time to wonder. Shame the wireless facilities (and internet access in general) is so rubbish. They want to charge a fortune for access to the RAI wireless for the 3 days and I cannot seem to find details for what the “Pay-As-You-Go” charges. The internet Café in this area is too slow for words and 3G roaming is extortionate.

Enough moaning. All is good. The weather is wet and a bit snowy, but (touch wood) does not look too bad for the trip home. I guess I will post this when I get to the hotel tonight.

Snow and the ISE

Well, Well, who would have thunk it?

We saw the snow last night (http://twitpic.com/1afem) and decided to leave earlier than planned. Struggled out of London at 12:00am (http://twitpic.com/1ahs0 actually it was not much of a struggle but it sounds more exciting that way) and found the roads quite clear past the M25.

Pesky Channel Tunnel was buggered due to a frozen train, but they saved the day by putting us on the Freight Train (http://twitpic.com/1ak9m).

France rushed by as did Belgium but we had to stop by The Netherlands for a coffee (http://twitpic.com/1amad).

11:00 found us at the RAI for the ISE. A lot of hard work had the stand starting to look presentable http://twitpic.com/1ar1q by the end of play. We need to do some tweaking, but not a bad effort. Not as grand as some, but we do our best J.

On the plus side our products are innovative and certainly different. http://www.uniqueautomation.co.uk

I did take a few walks around the show to get a feel for the contents and it looks good. Looks a bit smaller than last year, but still very interesting. Tomorrow the whole place should look miles better as they will have laid the carpets and cleaned up. For that matter so will we as it has been a long day and we definitely need a clean up.

Enough wittering for now. I will try and post some more interesting info from the show over the next few days. Do come over to Hall 4 Stand PP19 and say hi to us. If nothing else you can watch Ice Age on the Bath-O-Vision.

Integrated System Europe

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this week I will be at Integrated Systems Europe.

Follow my activities on twitter by looking on the right hand side of http://cosmap.blogspot.com/ or by going to http://twitter.com/cosmap

Better still come to the Unique Automation stand and say hello. Details can be found here...

Unique Automation at ISE

I may do some blogging from there, if anything catches my eye (and if I can get an Internet connection).

Been updating some websites...

I hve been twaeking some of the websites I maintain. Made some changes to

http://www.usedaeron.co.uk

Let’s see if that improves things… I will not say what the changes are as that will not let me know if they have worked.

Also I am looking for suggestions how to improve

http://www.freejokesrus.com

The look and feel is a bit sparse. Feel free to leave comments here and I may action them.

Nice ones only please!

Computer Tech Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!    

=================================  

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

 ===============
 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

 ===============

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

 ===============

Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

 ============== =

Customer:  I have problems printing in red..
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.

 ===============

Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

 ===============

Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

 ===============

Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?

 == =============

Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.

 ===============

Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

 ===============

Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

  ===============

Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

 ===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'

 ===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

My Scuba Profile on Yorkshire Divers

My Scuba Profile on Yorkshire Divers

A History Lesson

158 years ago California became a state.  The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Bottle of Merlot

Free Jokes R Us 

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read:

 

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' 

 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 

It read:

 

'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.......... Just send the bottle back.' 

Free Jokes R Us 

Groan.... :-)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well," said the physician, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were shivering. They proved once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron,"
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns to his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.

Seasons Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009 , but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced